World exclusive: Trump's leaked inauguration speech in full

Reaction cannot verify the contents of this speech. Please check against delivery on Monday.

via Philip Scalia / Alamy / GDM965

In a major world exclusive, Reaction has been leaked an advance copy of the speech President-elect Donald Trump will make at his inauguration ceremony in Washington D.C. on Monday. After receiving a tip-off, Reaction columnist Tim Marshall found the text of the speech hidden inside a giant Terry’s Chocolate Orange left behind the Lincoln Memorial on Thursday evening.

Reaction cannot verify the contents of the speech. Please check against delivery on Monday:

“Chief Justice, former Presidents, Elon, fellow Americans and people of the world. Every four years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, although, by the way, I gotta tell you, sometimes maybe we shouldn’t. I’m grateful to President Biden, WAKE UP! Only kidding Joe. I’m grateful to you for your gracious disappearance throughout this transition, and to Comrade Kamala for helping my historic victory last November. (Pause for laughter).

Welcome to our foreign guests, or in the case of Governor Trudeau, not so foreign…We sent an invite to Little Rocket Man, but I can’t see him here, maybe he’s got Kung Flu, and one to Britain Trump, but they sent some guy with a stammer I was told.

Great to see so many friends here, I have so many friends, beautiful people. There’s Crazy Hillary, Mad Dog Mattis, Nervous Nancy, Low Energy Jeb, Birdbrain Haley, Ron DeSanctimonious, Governor Newscum – looking a little hot under the collar there Gavin…just kidding. Hey - Liddle Mike Pence! Haven’t seen you in years!

And some of my phenomenal team are here, and let me tell you, these are unbelievable special people, outstanding. And you know what – these guys have a sense of humour! So I called Marco Rubio ‘Little Marco'? So what – he knows I didn’t mean it and now he’s gonna be Secretary of State of the greatest country on God’s Green Earth. Where are you Marco? Can’t see him. Maybe he’s not wearing his heels today… just kidding Marco.

America – this is your day. As I look down on you from Capitol Hill, I can see that you have come here in your tens of millions for a ceremony the likes of which the world has never seen before. Ever. Fake Tapper, Jeff Bozo, the Failing New York Times, Deface the Nation, and the Clinton News Network will try and say it’s only a million, but we know better.

So, to all Americans, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words: I’m going to spend the next four years WEAVING! You know what the weave is? I’ll talk about, like, nine different things and they all come back brilliantly together. And it’s like friends of mine that are like English professors, they say: ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen,’ (Pause for applause).

Ok, some weaving for you. Listen to this. Eight years ago, I stood here and said we will completely eliminate Radical Islamic Terrorism from the face of the Earth. Let me tell you, we would have done it if Sleepy Joe hadn’t stolen the last election – no offence Joe. JOE WAKE UP! Just kidding again Joe.

Now arrives the moment of action. I’ve heard that people say I have tiny hands, yes, can you believe it? That’s what I’ve heard. See these hands? These hands aren’t tiny, they’re big-league hands, the most powerful hands on Earth and let me tell you what these hands are going to do today. They will be signing 100 executive orders – yes that’s right – 100 executive orders on my first day in office. On Day One of the Trump presidency, I will pardon the patriots of January 6, end transgender lunacy, restore the travel ban, suspend refugee admissions, deport everyone, keep the terrorists the hell out of our country, and invade Greenland! (Pause for even louder applause)

On TRADE and FOREIGN RELATIONS America is going to start winning again, winning like never before. A lot of friends tell me, they say to me, they say, ‘Donald – you know the art of the deal better than anyone on this planet’ and I say you know that’s so true and that’s why I’m going to end the decades of enriching foreign industry, end decades of subsidizing the armies of other countries - that’s in the past. On trade, I’m going to tarrify them (pause for even louder laughter), on NATO I’m prepared to say ‘nay to’ them… NAY TO THEM. (pause for hysterical laughter – direct medics to anyone suffering paroxysms of hysteria by pointing with index finger).

Here at home, my administration will follow three simple rules: Buy American and Hire American, and as I demonstrated throughout my first presidency – Fire American! Yes, maybe even you too Elon. Elon? Elon get off that phone! He’s on Truth Social again folks! Whaddya gonna do?

And now a tremendous decree to go forth from this platform, and it’s a beautiful platform, they built me a platform better than any platform's ever been built - a decree to be heard in every city and in every hall of power. From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this moment on, it’s going to be DRILL BABY DRILL! (Pause for Chris Wright to lead crowd in chant of Drill Baby Drill).

People think all of this is going to happen, and in all fairness, I can tell you I’m already doing very well. Even before today I brought peace to the Middle East, ended the woke nonsense, reinvigorated the great men and women of our armed forces, and reminded the WORLD that the United States of America is THE Indispensable Nation. I mean, we defend everybody. We defend everybody. No matter who it is, we defend everybody. We’re defending the world.

Thank you for coming in your millions today, and to the billions watching around the world. You know they say this might be the biggest televiewing audience in the history of mankind.

Thank you everyone. Together We Will Make America Great Again. Again. God Bless You, God Bless America, and God Bless ME! ”