Santa’s 2021 naughty or nice list

The legend of Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, dates back to sometime around 280 A.D. when a monk named St Nicholas lived in Patara, near modern-day Turkey. St Nicholas was renowned for his generosity and kindness; he notoriously snuck down a chimney into the house of a poor man and his three daughters to fill their stockings with money for a dowry. His kind deads led to his establishment as the patron saint of children (and sailors).

St Nicholas has become an established part of Christmas festivities over the years as his legend was passed down through generations. Aside from his red suit, plump belly and reindeer-pulled sleigh, Father Christmas (as he is now nicknamed) is best known for his “naughty or nice” list: a moral judgement on our behaviour over the last 365 days, determining who receives presents and who receives a lump of coal.

After a busy year, we thought we would save Father Christmas a job and point out a few names that should be topping his naughty and nice list.

Snagging the number one spot on the naughty list is Matt Hancock, former health secretary, who provided the ultimate example of “do as I say not as I do” when, in the midst of social distancing advice and a raging pandemic, was seen on CCTV kissing his aide. Infidelity, erosion of public trust and hypocrisy are unlikely to sit well with Santa.

Up next is Boris Johnson. According to YouGov, 64 per cent of the British public think he should be on the naughty list, but where to start? He has fumbled endlessly with pandemic rules, defended both Tory sleaze and Dominic Cummings’ defiance of lockdown rules, failed to fire Hancock, allegedly held a party at Number 10 during last year’s Christmas lockdown and failed to seem, at any given point, like there is a plan in place to handle Covid-19. Not to mention he furloughed Santa and cancelled Christmas last year.

Along with Hancock and Johnson is Owen Paterson. The Tory politician broke lobbying rules by working as a paid consultant for two companies whilst serving as an MP. Never mind, I’m sure Randox will send him a present or two instead.

Keeping it in the Tory party, Allegra Stratton and Gavin Williamson are two last-minute additions to the list. Yesterday, a video leaked yesterday of Stratton joking and laughing about hosting a party at Number 10 during lockdown, whilst the rest of us cancelled our Christmas celebrations. Williamson is just as bad, having hosted two dozen staff at a drinks party at the Department for Education, whilst London was in Tier 2 and indoor mixing between households was banned.

It seems Santa might as well save himself the individual trips and dump a heap of coal – or rather electric batteries in line with the PM’s new green regulations – outside Downing Street.

But it isn’t just British politicians who have been behaving badly this year, 2021 was set off to a tumultuous start when a mob of Donald Trump supporters stormed Capitol Hill, attempting to overturn his election defeat. Almost everyone who stormed the Capitol that day is sure to be on the naughty list, but Trump ranks highest for inciting the violence.

Then, there are the Covid deniers like Piers Corbyn who have been a nuisance during the pandemic and spread misinformation about the vaccine at every opportunity. The rapper Nicki Minaj tweeted her way onto the naughty list too, by claiming her cousin’s friend in Trinidad had suffered swollen testicles after getting the vaccine.

This brings us on to the nice list. First up, Chris Whitty. Our Chief Medical Officer led the way on the daily Covid briefings, faced harassment from the public and took on Nicki Minaj. Whitty hit back at the rapper in a press conference saying people, “who go around trying to discourage other people from taking a vaccine which could be life-saving” by “peddling untruths” should be “ashamed”.” Clearly no match for the Chief Medical Officer, Minaj simply tweeted, “I love him even tho I guess this was a diss? The accent ugh.” Whitty by name, witty by nature.

Marcus Rashford is, predictably, also on the nice list for another year. When the footballer is not playing matches he is donating money to charity, encouraging young people to read, trying to end child food poverty and generally being the blueprint for a good person.

Rashford is joined on the list by Gareth Southgate, the England football manager who brought us a few blissful weeks of excitement and national spirit with the Euros this summer. We might not have won but it was still a highlight of 2021, winning him a spot in Father Christmas’ good books.

For not dissimilar reasons, Emma Raducanu makes the nice list too. The 19-year-old tennis superstar won the US Open in the summer, uniting the country and becoming a national treasure overnight.

Whilst our politicians were making a mess of the pandemic, our top scientists were locked away in laboratories creating a life-saving vaccine. Dr Sarah Gilbert and her team at the University of Oxford bagged themselves a place on the nice list for life by creating the Astrazeneca vaccine in record time. The same goes for all the key workers and NHS staff who have spent another year working through the crisis.

Our last nomination for the nice list has to be Britney Spears. The Princess of Pop is finally free of the conservatorship that has controlled her life for over a decade. I hope she has a very Merry Christmas enjoying her newfound freedom.

You might notice one name that is noticeably absent on either side of the list is Keir Starmer. We couldn’t remember anything he has done over the last year and Santa said he had never even heard of him.