Donald Trump’s rough guide to Britain – an A-Z

The President of the United States has caused outrage by retweeting the idiotic burblings and vile propaganda of an extremist British political organisation on the far-right. The outrage in the UK is understandable. Not only has Trump gone too far, it also underlines the extent to which he is a break with tradition of friendly relations between our countries. American presidents such as JFK (family friends) and Reagan (family roots in Paisley, Scotland) had a good feel for Britain. Trump seems to be struggling to work us out. To help, his advisers have put together a guide ahead of his visit to the UK. I have been leaked a copy of the Trump White House Rough Guide to Britain.

A is for Algernon. All British men who are not called Nigel are called Algernon. This is well known. If you get on good terms they may invite you to call them Algy while you are telling them impressive stories at the bar of a leading golf club.

B is for Beatles. Famous British group, but not really that famous. Stayed in the Plaza Hotel in 1964, when they landed in America, in anticipation of the Plaza being bought by the Trump organisation in 1988.

C is for Claridges. Small hotel. Tiny.

D is for Democrats. But these are Britain’s Liberal Democrats, they are not doing any harm. There is no need to attack them.

E is for England which is next to Scotland but not as good as Scotland which has better golf courses (see T is for Trump Turnberry.)

F is for Fawlty Towers, famous British documentary series from the 1970s.

G is for Giles Brandreth, a popular television presenter. Do not be alarmed if you see him on TV during your visit.

H is for Heineken, a fizzy beverage and England’s favourite drink. Rarely served before noon, except in bars in airports where it is compulsory at all times for all passengers awaiting flights.

I is for Islington. The folks there are very keen that you look in, but on this trip there may not be time.

J is for Jarrow. Big march in the North of England. Long time ago. Lots of unemployed people. Sad.

K is for Ken Dodd.

L is for Location, Location, Location.

M is for Mo Farah, a Muslim immigrant and the world’s best athlete.

N is for Nigel Farage, see the briefing from the State Department and from your lawyer attached. On no account answer Nigel’s calls.

O is for the Overton window. You are very much outside the Overton window.

P is for Piers Morgan. Humour Piers, please. We have agreed to an interview on his Good Morning Britain show for ITV.

Q is for Queen Elizabeth II. Her diary is extremely full. She is old and may be busy. We await news from the Palace.

R is for Ronnie Wood.

S is for Susannah Reid, the main and more intelligent presenter of ITV’s Good Morning Britain who is responsible for most of the audience tuning in. Do not tell your friend Piers Morgan this, the producers keep it a secret from him that he is very unpopular. So unpopular.

T is for Trump Turnberry, Britain’s favourite golf course. T is also for Triangle, Britain’s best ever television drama and Travel lodge, a kind of hotel but you don’t need to worry about that.

U is for UKIP, a political party who are not in the British government. Ignore what Nigel told you.

V is for Valerie Singleton.

W is for wind farms, a mortal threat to leading hotels in Scotland with golf courses.

X is for Alex Salmond, the ex-First Minister of Scotland and promoter of wind farms.

Y – or why? Why is Salmond the ex-First Minister of Scotland? Because he lost a big referendum at the hands of voters outraged by how he had treated the Trump Organisation over wind farms next to hotels. They kept secret the real reason Salmond lost so bad – so bad. But the Scotch people know. They know.

Z is for Billy Zane, who was engaged to Kelly Brook, a British actress (is this correct?). In Titanic, Zane played a really rich and dubious American who came to a disastrous end. Sad.