Dear Change UK (if that’s still your name),
Disillusioned voter, here. Remember me? The guy who gave a whoop of delight when you cleared the school gate?
What do you mean you don’t remember!? The tall guy with the optimistic look in his eye? The one person who quite liked the name “Tigger”? How about the dolt who started to believe in you?
Hope you don’t mind my writing. Things haven’t been going too well, have they? Consider mine a shoulder you cry on if you must but I also want you to get ready for a few hard truths you can only hear from a friend. And that’s what I hope you’ll remember at the end of this. I’m still sympathetic to your cause. I believe that British politics needs a force at the centre to stop the drift of the two parties towards their ideological wings. There must be room for pragmatists, devoid of loyalty to dogma, who just want to get on with the business of trying to make life better for people.
It’s just that I’ve started to doubt if you can provide that…
Let’s get the painful bit out of the way and talk about your name. Which of you is going to own up to “Change”? Come on, Heidi, weren’t you in the room to point out it was the worst idea this side of “Chuka’s Crazy Cosmic Charabanc”? Say what you want about Nigel Farage (and I often do) but nobody is about to mistake “The Brexit Party” for flip flop wearing Eurognostics. In the words of the famous Ronseal ad: it does exactly what it says on the tin. “Change”, on the other hand, means absolutely nothing.
Every party offers “change” but it’s not clear if you are offering real change or a change from change? It ends up sounding like vanilla politics, devoid of character. It’s white lined paper without the virtue of being hole punched to make it interesting.
Here’s an idea I’m sure you’ve not had screamed at you by every passerby: why didn’t you call yourself “Remain”? Yes, I know you have bigger ambitions, but Brexit is the only game in town. Later you could have called yourself some clever name after the Greek God of Autocues, because, let’s face it, you’ll have to change “Change” anyway since it’s so damn awful.
I’m not meaning to tell you how to do your jobs, but somebody clearly should. Grab the attention of Joe and Jennifer Public and scream your message in their ear. “Bollocks to Brexit” was, I agree, a bit too salty from the Lib Dems but at least it nails their values to the front of their manifesto (proper safety gear was worn during the nailing, my Lib Dems friends are quick to assure me).
I also accept I might be too cynical, but you need somebody with a darker habit of mind advising you. The black and white horizontal stripes might have seemed a good choice of branding, escaping the traditional coding of party loyalty, but you know what they make me immediately think about? That’s right. Humbugs. Not the best association for a political party with a new message to sell…
Which brings me to the battle bus. Oh dear, oh dear! What went wrong? Look, I understand that Microsoft doesn’t do Word templates for buses, but did it need to look like a seven-year-old’s English project they’d knocked together on the way to school? Black and white Ariel? Really?! Even a bit of underlining or italics would have jazzed it up. Was it your intention to set typography back to the 1980s because my only consolation is that the fact you didn’t stick in a few wingdings. If that was what you meant by “Change” then let me off at the next stop.
Is it too late for you to get your act together? I hope not. The election broadcast wasn’t so bad but, Chuka, look into the camera next time and, Anna, put a little less elbow into the background drumming, please.
Remember that you are meant to be offering a new way forward for pragmatists tired of the creep of ideological politics. Don’t set pragmatists back by making an ideology of creepiness. Speak directly and clearly. Say what you mean. Remember, you’re meant to be the adults in the room (and no, before you adopt it, Chris, The Adult Party wouldn’t sound any better…) The European election might have come too early, but you should take this opportunity to make a big statement. Stop clearing your throats whilst
braggarts and boasters are up on the stage.
I hate to say it, Change UK but you need to change and change quickly…
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