Boris’s debut speech was a masterclass in Johnsonian bluster

Well, now we know. The doubters, the doomsters and the gloomsters are all going to lose their shirts. There will be no ifs and no buts. Britain is going to leave the EU on October 31. There will a be a new deal, a better deal, with Brussels, and if there isn’t, Britain is ready for No Deal lubricated by the £39 billion we won’t have to give to Europe on the way out.

So there.

Just back from the Palace, where he had spent a full half hour with the Queen, Boris Johnson was fairly bursting with energy. Sadly, he didn’t have much to say.

His speech, delivered at breakneck speed from the podium erected outside the door of Number 10, lasted less than fifteen minutes, but covered almost every aspect of policy. It was all there, like a Wikipedia entry for the problems facing Britain in 2019.

Safer streets, more police, hospital upgrades, an end to the social care crisis, more money for state schools, lower taxes, boosts to business, joy for the LGBT community – all summed up as freedom, free speech and, for some reason, habeus corpus.

Never mind the burning injustices of Theresa May (Theresa who?). There would be a levelling up of infrastructure across the country, involving everything from railways to blisteringly fast internet. The entire nation would gain, including the 3.2 million EU citizens currently living and working in the UK. There would be free ports, free trade, green jobs, a bio-science explosion, even a new deal for animals. “All this and more.” Nobody would lose out, except, presumably, criminals and vermin. It would be a win-win administration, and he, as PM, would take personal responsibility for making it happen.

All that was missing was motherhood and apple pie, though – who knows? –maybe these will be included in his first Commons speech, due tomorrow.

On Brexit, we should have no worries, which must have come as a relief to many. There would be no checks under any circumstances at the Irish border. “Never mind the backstop, the buck stops here.” The European Commission would be keen to negotiate a free trade deal, leading to a new and positive relationship with our European partners. But no ifs, no buts. Generous in temper and engaged with the world, Britain was leaving on October 31.

And that was it. He was off. Had he said anything of substance? Not really. It was a masterclass in bluster, running together such disparate elements as life sciences, music, culture, gene therapy, battery technology, satellite navigation … you name it. Uncle Tom Cobley will, I feel sure, be among those who will be pleased to discover that their lives are about to be enriched.

Those who thought that his speech to the Tory faithful on Tuesday was just a rhetorical clearing of his throat will have been taken aback. Johnson has ended up as his own warm-up act, but the act that follows is as empty as the prologue. We are no closer to knowing what he plans to do about Brexit, or anything else, than than we were on the day he announced that he was running for the leadership. Given that he says he plans to take us – all of us, rich and poor alike – into his confidence, this may be the most worrying aspect of his performance.

We know what he knows. The problem is that we still know nothing.

Europe will have noted the PM’s threat to withhold the divorce settlement. They have heard this before, of course, usually from Nigel Farage and Jacob-Rees-Mogg, but never as if it were a simple matter, requiring only his refusal to sign the cheque. Depend on it, tough times lie ahead as the outgoing Commission works to protect its legacy as defender of the Single Market, and the new Commission, led by Ursula von der Leyen, seamlessly takes up the same task.

If Prime Minister Johnson believes that Brussels is ready to throw in the towel and give  him what he wants, he faces an early and complete disabusal. And if his backers in Parliament believe that he can make substantive progress in all the areas he listed today, then they, too, can look ahead to a come-uppance.

It is one thing to be optimistic. If leadership is not inspirational, it is nothing. But when is Boris going to learn that government is not a seat of the pants affair, but the culmination of planning, negotiation and compromise. Is it too early to write off this latest Tory premiership? Of course. Maybe he will find good people to do the actual work, leaving him free to get on with the business of being Boris Johnson. But the old arguments of 2016 are exactly the same arguments that apply today, three years on from the referendum. Someone needs to tell him. Otherwise, God help us on November 1.