The Bigly Bowski – what a movie about The Donald would look like

Donald Trump is upset.

Not, strangely enough, with his hairdresser.

The incoming leader of the Free World took time out from product placing his New Jersey golf resort, the venue for his latest Apprentice auditions (White House staff edition) to fire a shot across Saturday Night Live’s bows. He slammed NBC’s long-running satirical show for Alec Baldwin’s “biased” portrayal of him and called for “equal time for us”.

Let us, for one moment, consider what “equal time” and “us” mean.

It could mean a big screen epic devoted to The Donald. Starring actors who are not slavishly pro-Clinton. Finding those presents a challenge. Not a Trump University Challenge, but a steep task nonetheless. If enough Trump-supporting actors could be found, here is what Trump: The Movie look like:

To play Trump: Tricky to find an actor willing to step up to the role. Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston (wants to move to Canada) and Robert De Niro (wants to punch Trump in the face) are out. One man could work. He is pro-guns and pro-tacky infomercials. He’s been in Silent Rage, The President’s Man and Hellbound, which seem apt. His last big movie, The Expendables 2, could have been a documentary on the GOP primaries. Step forward, Chuck Norris.

To play Mike Pence: It was suggested that Eminem cryogenically frozen has a certain resemblance to the Vice President Elect, but Slim Shady dissed Trump voters in a recent rap. Jon Voight, a long-standing supporter of the President Elect, could probably carry this off. After all, the state in Deliverance is unlikely to be blue.

To play Melania Trump: Reality star, ex-Playboy model and Trump enthusiast Tila Tequila is a possibility. We’ve had Trump vodka, Trump whisky cannot be far away, so why not Trump tequila? She is the author of Hooking Up With Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party, so whether she’d be willing to go downmarket for this role is uncertain.

To play Reince Priebus: Scott Baio is best known for sitcom Charles in Charge, playing a hapless innocent struggling to cope as the sitter for a squabble of unruly children. Inhabiting Trump’s Chief of Staff may not be a stretch.

To play Steve Bannon: Point Break actor Gary Busey makes rambling red carpet diversions. He’s won Celebrity Big Brother. He’s starred in Under Siege. The message discipline for strategist Bannon may be the right fit.

To play Kellyanne Conway: On Cheers, Kirstie Alley was surrounded by bar room philosophers, semi-literates, boozehounds, over-attentive, leery men and Woody. Trump’s campaign manager – a breeze.

To play Rudy Giuliani: James Woods. Because, in 2003, he already did.

To play Alec Baldwin playing Trump: Stephen, Alec’s brother, could be a lock for this role.

Other questions remain about this film. Is it a screwball comedy? A disaster/horror movie? A farce? The soundtrack could be the first in motion picture history to feature Kid Rock, rapper Azealia Banks, Grand Ole Opry royalty Loretta Lynn, Vegas lounge legend Wayne Newton and Gene Simmons of Kiss. Lou Ferrigno, the Incredible Hulk and another supporter, could be in charge of hair and make-up. For green tan, read orange.

Dialogue is expected to include the lines “you can’t handle the post-truth”, “we’re going to need a bigger wall” and “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse – $25m to be precise. If that doesn’t work I’ll tweet about Hamilton: the musical.”

Its title, based on the Tom Hanks’ man-child fable: Bigly.

And if the film should flop in the USA, Mexico and Europe, it is expected to be more kindly received in Russia.