Apologies, for harm done
Here at Reaction, we take matters seriously, and, therefore, as chairperson of our newly incorporated taskforce – “Bipartisan Operational Leadership Litigating Offensive Culturally Keen Sensitivities” – it has fallen to me to address recent controversies and to render apologies where appropriate.
I would like to begin, naturally, with the outcry surrounding our recent use of a photograph of the late Duke of Edinburgh. The offending picture was taken in Lower Sneddlington in 1972 and portrays the Duke holding a teaspoon (as well as, no doubt, some particularly unsavoury views.)
The committee has agreed with students of Sneddlington College who took to the rooftops earlier this week and burned effigies of the P.G. Tips “Munkeh”. We hear you and agree that the teaspoon symbolises the role that tea played in Britain’s colonial past and might well constitute an offensive weapon. We would therefore like to apologise for the harm done. This has been a learning process. We feel your pain. We hear and see your truth. In order to let the healing begin, we are now transitioning away from pyramid teabags to traditional flat English t-bags that don’t appropriate Egyptian culture. Our long-term beverage goal is ethically sourced coffee grown or, failing that, some kind of bean soup.
We would also like to apologise for the article we published last Tuesday (“Long trousers are not your only option”) in which our fashion correspondent used the word “knickerbockers”. We appeal to supermodel Naiomi Klippernapper to end her three-day boycott of Himalayan neck syrup. We feel her pain. We see her truth. We also accept that three “k”s in “knickerbockers” might have indeed reminded some readers of the Ku Klux Klan. We would underscore, however, that the author’s intent was never to advocate white supremacism but, rather, airy ankles in warmer weather. Nevertheless, the author is now undergoing sensitivity training.
An article from Sunday 3 May, meanwhile, made passing reference to Ipswich’s Service Station and Mr P. Dunninghill (of Sneath) had written to recount an unpleasant experience he once had in the restrooms there in 1983, involving a cockroach, a 3/8″ drive offset ratchet, and the music of Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack. We never intended to arouse such painful memories, but we extend a heartfelt apology to Mr Dunninghill for the harm done. We will be extra vigilant in the future to avoid mentioning service stations in or around Ipswich.
This might also be a good time to address long-standing concerns that some readers have had regarding our ongoing commentary on the state of Britain’s railways. We now accept that we approached the matter too lightly. Discussing railways does indeed remind some readers of the Burma Railway and the atrocities committed during its construction. We will therefore redouble our efforts to ignore railways going forward. Tram coverage will, however, remain unaffected.
On a personal note, Mr Albert Noddlington wrote to mention that his late father, Bill, died in 1954 aged 98 and that a recent reference to Father’s Day reminded him of that painful event. We will, therefore, implement a policy shared by many companies these days, offering a new “opt-out” service for anybody who doesn’t want to be reminded of Father’s Days. In due course, this will be extended to other days, weeks, and, eventually, years, eras, and epochs. Our dream is a world in which nobody can accidentally stumble across references to the Mesopotamian Empire (2334-2193 BCE) with the upset that naturally causes.
At this point, we offer an additional apology for anyone upset by the mention of either Father’s Day or the Mesopotamia Empire (2334-2193 BCE) in the preceding paragraph or, indeed, this one.
Lastly, we were particularly upset to learn that many readers felt that reference to the Prime Minister’s “backbone” was discriminatory to our invertebrate relatives. Mr Norman Smokestack of Chuddleton wrote to express how the article caused unnecessary friction in his blossoming relationship with a distant second cousin who just happens to be a jellyfish. Mrs Esther Teaslock took this further to remind us that we “share 20% of our genes with the humble banana”. Mr J Gayle (Sprew’s Brook, Derbyshire) then wrote to pick up Mrs Teaslock for using the term “humble banana” which, he says, displays “condescension towards plantains”. Mrs Teaslock replied by pointing out that “plantain” is no longer the accepted term for bananas and that they are now reclaiming the botanical term “berry”. We have now amended the house style to take these cultural sensitivities into account and we will ensure that no jellyfish, banana, nor any other animal or plant, will be used in a humorous context moving forward.
Addendum: it has now been brought to our attention that we might have caused offence by calling our new team the “Bipartisan Operational Leadership Litigating Offensive Culturally Keen Sensitivities”. Apologies for the harm done and we have recognised our error by immediately disbanding. The name of our succeeding committee has yet to be decided but we have all committed to ensuring it remains gender-neutral towards teaspoons, bananas, jellyfish, fathers, survivors of the Burma railway, trains (but not trams), 1983 soul music, and the town of Ipswich (and its many service stations).
Sincerest apologies to all.