A letter from the Duke of California

Hi guys. Just wanted to drop in and say a few words about mental health, which I’m sure we all agree shouldn’t be treated glibly. The problem today is too many celebrities patronise us by offering easy solutions to difficult problems…

So, deep breath in. Hold it. Imagine you’re a raindrop.

Feels good, doesn’t it? That right there is what happiness feels like.

Now imagine the raindrop quits its job, moves to California, and start a podcast with its gorgeous and talented Hollywood actress wife. 

And breathe out.

Didn’t that feel good?

The world is in a troubled place right now and that’s why I’m launching a new campaign to get every unhappy soul out there to approach their grandmothers and announce that they’re quitting their miserable jobs. Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex™, and I are appealing to world leaders to help transition the world economy away from producing goods and services, and towards a new economy in which everybody is a Social Media Influencer. 

Dream big, people! We want you to all give yourselves trendy tags, fix your smiles (I know a good orthodontist in Beverley Hills), and start Instagramming your morning Kellogg’s from the comfort of your white open-necked chinos. Life really can be as simple as like, comment, subscribe…

Now, I know what critics will say. They’ll say, @HotPrinz84, not everybody can swap their jobs for “Insta”. They will complain that people have families to feed and responsibilities to perform. Mortgages need paying. They might even say that my upbeat message will affect their mental health by setting unreasonable expectations. Do I really think ordinary hard-working people have the financial freedom to move to an £11 million Montecito home here in California? 

Well, naturally, I don’t. I do, however, think we can all nurture friendships with those that do have spare holiday homes. I mean: have you ever put the effort into meeting Elton John? I thought not yet such a lovely man.

This is what my critics miss about my message: that we are merely raindrops and raindrops need to reach out and touch the raindrops around them (where security is permitting, nobody within 20 feet, no flash photography, void where prohibited by law and the rules of a gated community, and strictly no paparazzi). And that’s why we’re also launching a new initiative to encourage people to share their very best advice with others. 

I’ll begin…

Don’t forget the little people who helped you on the way up. It’s all the ordinary Oprahs, Orlandos, and Clooneys we need to remember and thank.

People don’t automatically have a right to respect when they are born. They must earn it through publishing deals with companies like Spotify who will give them £18 million to produce podcasts.

Read contracts carefully and stipulate how often podcasts need to be produced and don’t come crying when you only get one episode in two years. 

Always read the small print but, better still, be the person writing the small print.

Titles are meaningless. Renounce them all (but retain the marketing rights). 

Fame is overrated. We all need to cherish being ordinary princes of the realm.

Shoes are also overrated. Learn to give speeches in Silicon Valley in your bare feet.

And, of course, do your bit to save the planet. Leave private jets for those that need them, such as handsome young Tiggers whose feet get cold in the cold desert air and need to get back home to their socks.

Lastly, to all grandmothers out there: remember that eggs are not round and it’s easier to get the narrow end in your mouth before you start to suck on them.

Most of all: be well my happy little raindrops.